THIS LONNNG WEEK.

CRISIS OF FAITH.

I've always been a realist. Ever since i can remember, i've never believed in something i couldn't see with my own two eyes. A couple times I've pretended to be excited about Santa Clause or surprised to find a couple dollars under my pillow after Ive lost a tooth. But I've never truly believed in any of these things. The hardest thing I've tried to believe, is the existence of a higher power, like God. Growing up, my Mom was really into taking me to Native events. Because my Father was Native American she felt it was important for me to be exposed to the native way of life or whatever. Native ceremonies and practices are probably one of the most spiritual cultures so ive always been surrounded by stories of who created the world, all this mother earth, father sky crap. Who we should be giving thanks to, who we should pray for. To be honest i found it all very boring. I could never help but think, Who are we praying for? Why can't I see him? I don't want to talkl to him if i can't see him, that's weird. My family is not exactly religious, we've never been to church and we aren't strict about praying before dinner or anything like that. But for the most part, they do believe in a God that exists. Which is sometimes hard for me, because i don't really believe in God. At all. And we never talk about it.

Like I said iv'e never truely believed in any kind of higher power, but i always prayed and gave thanks anyways to make everyone else happy. I guess my biggest crisis of faith came when i was six and my Father was murdered. When i was six nothing was more important than my pokemon cards, and my Daddy was my world. I didnt exactly question things then, except at the occasional Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners. But when my Dad died, i questioned everything i had ever heard. It was all pretty confusing. Because my Father knew alot of people there were probably about 3 or 4 memorials and services, And of course i had to attend each one. I noticed that everyone was saying similar things. Mostly praying, but saying things like he was in a better place confused me. How did these people know he was in a better place? And then i realized that they couldnt know that for sure. They hadnt experienced that, so i listened to other things they were saying and praying about. And i started to feel like all they were saying was just a bunch of bullshit trying to make themselves feel better about everything. But i knew where he was. He was in the ground where they had put him last, just drained of life, thats it. There was no spirit of him floating around somewhere, there was no God.
What was so good about God anyway? Why did people believe in him? I was told that he answered your prayers, keeps away evil and ends suffering. Where was he now, everyones crying, and my Moms' suffering, He's nowhere to be seen. And if he was so good why did he let my dad die?

I was always the kid who tried to convince you that God didn't exist. I would argue for hours if you disagreed with me. I remember thinking to myself, these people are so stupid to believe in something so obviously unreal. I really didnt know how to see things from a different point of view, I mean I wasnt even ten yet. Now that ive matured, obviously i have respect for other peoples faiths and religion. I don't think it's stupid to have strong faith anymore because ive heard some hard life stories about people who found there god and turned there life around, just like that. That doesnt mean i would ever commit to something like that though. Maybe in a way ive always wanted a faith. Sometimes i look back on ancient cultures like the Aztecs or Egyptians, like way back. Most of there everyday lives were spent praying and in religous ceremonies. There whole lives revolved around there god, and they made it there number one priority. They did things like human sacrafices and that was how strong there faith was. They built temples and preserved there dead, all in the name of whoever their god was. Maybe something solid like that in life would be good for me.
I think ive always been a little bitter about it though. I can't force myself to believe it, so i cant help but snicker when i hear things like 'Jesus can turn your life around.' It's not me being ignorant, i actually admire people who can really commit there lives to god. Because i dont have faith like that. I never have, and i dont know if i ever will.

While Your Busy Planning, I'll Be Busy Living.

The tension in my house is killing me, i feel like I'm slowly suffocating. Time is running out for me to figure out what to do with my life, and my mom won't let me forget this. It was bad before, but now it's worse. Now it's every morning, every time i come home, every dinner conversation. Every conversation. I'm being suffocated with questions, not just about school now. She says she wants to be able to talk, then she says shes not a friend. She tries to talk to me sometimes but it ends in fighting, always. All shes doing is pushing me away and making me not want to be near her. I'm losing all feeling, it's just a person i cant get off my back now. That's all. And that's how it is now, i don't want to be here. I don't want to be in this house with her, in this stupid school with these people, in claustrophobic Alameda. I'm just getting through everyday and that's it, waiting. I don't want to think about my life and how its going to be, i just want to crawl into my bed, the only thing i find comfort in, and sleep until the day i turn 18. Crawl out, and run. Ive never wanted something so bad. Ive never wanted to leave so bad. I don't think you get it though.
Away from here, i want to go on one long road trip with my best friend. We planned it out already. Pack up and leave this place that makes me sick with dread every time i have to get up in the morning. I want to cross over high street bridge and know for sure I'm leaving Alameda, for good. Sounds stupid right? Sounds pretty dumb, i might just ruin my whole life...for what? A little freedom, a breath of fresh air that Ive never had.

I don't want a fucking life plan. I don't want to come home everyday from a 9-5 job, sit on my ass and watch TV. Get up and do it again the next day. I don't have a faith and i don't believe in reincarnation, so why the fuck would i waste my life away. Not that there is anything wrong for those who do that everyday, you do what you gotta do, but its not me. I would end up in an institution, going crazy looking at four walls. Kinda like now. Except not, because i wont let myself get there.
None of these people matter, Everyone here is plastic, I'm gone in three years anyways, no strings attached, I'm leaving everyone and i won't feel bad about it. I refuse to sit and watch everything pass by. I want to see things with my own eyes. I want to see everything. Adventures, hitchhike, experiences, who cares. At least I'll be living. Doesn't matter if i don't have a cent to my name, maybe I'll be living out of a car, maybe I'll be risking my life. At least I'll be living. And at the end of the day i want to sit on the edge of the biggest mountain watching a sunset with some guy i met at a pit stop, sharing a cheeseburger and breathing freedom, thinking about how miserable life must be for those still stuck in claustrophobia.

CATS.

Cats have been associated with humans for at least 9,500 years and are currently the most popular pet in the world. Due to their close association with humans, cats are now found almost everywhere on Earth. Until recently the cat was commonly believed to have been domesticated in ancient egypt, where it was a cult animal. A study in 2007 found that the lines of descent of all house cats probably run through as few as five self domesticating african wildcats 8000 BC, in the near east. The earliest evidence of cat domestication is a kitten that was buried with its owner 9,500 years ago in Cyprus. Cats can function at only one-sixth the light level required for human vision. Cats have excellent hearing and can detect an extremely broad range of frequencies. They can hear higher-pitched sounds than either dogs or humans, detecting frequencies from 55 Hz up to 79 kHz, a range of 10.5 octaves; while humans can only hear from 31 Hz up to 18 kHz, and dogs hear from 67 Hz to 44 kHz, which are both ranges of about 9 octaves. Cats conserve energy by sleeping more than most animals, especially as they grow older. The daily duration of sleep varies, usually 12–16 hours, with 13–14 being the average. Some cats can sleep as much as 20 hours in a 24-hour period. The term Cat Nap refers to the cat's ability to fall asleep (lightly) for a brief period and has entered the English lexicon—someone who nods off for a few minutes is said to be "taking a cat nap". Cats are known for their cleanliness, spending many hours licking their coats.The cat's tounge has backwards-facing spines about 500 micrometers long, which are called papillae These spines allow cats to groom themselves by licking their fur, with the rows of papillae acting like a hairbrush. Some cats, particularly longhaired cats, occasionally regurgitate hairballs of fur that have collected in their stomachs from grooming. These clumps of fur are usually sausage-shaped and about two to three centimeters long. haha.