time is moving too fast!
i have a million and one things to do, and no time to do it. At this time im typing with one hand because im trying to eat my dinner also. Which by the way is an ice cream sandwich. yes, dinner. It is very yummy though.
I just came from my math class where i had other assignment to do, which cut back my time on doing this. Anyways after this i have to go edit my sohmore research paper which is just ughhhh. It's like 6 pages! I don't get the whole footnote thing. It's worth most of my grade and i have only like 45min to do it. After that i have to go back to the school to do the hair&makeup for the cast of Dark Of The Moon. Somehow i have to fit in my spanish assignment, which is to make this crafty little thing. Im not good at crafty things. And thats my lowest grade. Then when i get back home im probably going to spend the rest of the night studying my ass off for my huge geometry test. It's not that huge i just need a extremely good grade.
And thats just tonight. I think i underestimate how long things take too much. Im glad we have no schhol on friday, but that means less time to do everything, and it also means less points because we wont have any assignments that day. And i really need the points before this quarter ends.
i miss doing the things i love. I never have anytime to read anymore unless it's a textbook. Reading is my passion, i absolutely love it. I have a trillllllion book in my room But whenever i pick one up and start to read it's always like i should be doing something else. I miss just relaxing and maybe taking walks. I don't hate the homework or think it's unfair really, but it gets too be alot sometimes.

Im constantly rushing. Right now im typing this thing super fast to get onto the next thing, so sorry if it has little errors. It's like if i slow down for a second, im going to just pass out right here because im soooo tired right now. my eyelids feel like jello. Lately ive been going to bed around 12, which is late for me because im such a leightweight and am used to getting tired around 8:30. ha. Then im waking up around 6. Plus i already have sleeping problems which is just a bad combination of things. So im usally out of it in first period. On top of this i have my mother screaming in the backround right now. She's s so pissed that i have so much stuff to do. that I have to do. She thinks i put off some things. But i didnt. i keep trying to tell her this is really all the things i have to do tonight.
So anyway im not sure if this is long enough. And i cant afford to lose credit..... soooooooo,
uhm my sophmore resarch paper is on child prostitution in three countries. Japan, India,and Nepal. The statistics are crazzzzy! it's ridiculous how much People in other countries take advantages of 9 and 10 year olds. And that is the average age for prostitution in these countries. I actually like this assignment because its good to know whats going on in countries beside the US. the thing i hate most is all the requirements we have to meet, like font, size, margins, footnotes, bibliography,,,lalalalalalala
just some information.
So hopefully this is long enough because i have 6 pgs. to edit, and a bibliography to type, yay! =(
byyye.

OH, and...

The last blog i just did, was not put together right, because i dint get your comment until after i posted it, so sorry.

Fear.

I Like School! & my worst fear in life is becoming like my mother.
How many people can actually say that they like school. I know. But if you lived with my mother you would like school too. Because you sure as hell wouldn't want to go home. Most people go to school to see friends. I love my friends, but i mostly use school as my escape.
Im going to vent here a bit, but i feel like i can't even begin to expain this fully.
So, along with many teenagers, i don't have the best relationship with my mother, to say the least. We are absolute opposites.
But it's not new. And it's not even because i am teenager. It's been like this for as long as i can remember. We are have never been on the same page.
It's like a maze i have to get through everyday.
I usually get home around 3:30 because I'm not really allowed to do much. My mom gets off of work at 4, and works on Bay Farm. So from 3:30 to about 4:15 I get to take a breather. But around 4 i start to check around the house to see if maybe i left something out or didn't clean up, or anything i could possibly get yell at for. But it's always something new everyday, so i don't know why i try.
Anyway, when she gets home, i can usually hear her right before she walks in the door because you can always hear when someone walks down our hall. And it shouldn't happen, but when i hear her coming i feel this sense of dread. Like this 'here we go again' feeling. So I'm usually sitting at my desk, being totally studious when she walks in to at least put off a problem i know were going to have soon. We don't make eye contact, no kisses, no hugs.
I try to drag out my homework for as long as possible to avoid talking. Something Ive learned since i was about five; talking to her turns into arguing, say one wrong thing and you will regret you ever brought anything up.
So it's very sad that i actually get disappointed, when there isn't alot of homework.
It doesn't exactly work all the time though. I won't go into details of my night after night routine, but sum it all up,
It's basically 7 hours of being blamed for everything that is wrong with me. Up until the very moment i go to bed, Just Everything. And I'm not even kidding.
I'm not saying that I'm an angel, i mean i do some shit and fuck up. But I'm honestly not as bad as she tells me.
It's literally everything, clothes, hair, grades, anything you can think of. She has an anger problem and is a control-freak. If i close my room door for more than 2minutes she bangs on the door, She gets super pissed over things that don't bother normal people. I have no privacy, so i don't keep journals and i cant free write. except for this. This is why i love school. I would honestly recommend a therapist or something but we've both already tried that, so i don't know what is wrong.
She is the one that has made me immune to most feelings and so distant i cant even relate to people anymore. She has made me like her. She puts a roof over my head and feeds me, but i feel no connection to her whatsoever.
Its hard to live like this and i don't like it but, 3 MORE YEARS! I'm in the countdown.
Yes, she is the women that gave me life and i love her regardless of everything she puts me through but, I'm almost at the end of my rope.
She has complete control over me, and the only time i can escape her, is school.
With all my heart and everything i have, i cannot wait until Sept.25, 2012, the day i turn 18.
NoJoke, i am OUT.

Disrespecting My Surroundings.

A phobia is a strong fear or dislike: an irrational or very powerful fear and dislike of something.
I have a terrible phobia of bees and it's called:
Apiphobia or Melissophobia.
I hate bees/wasps.
My mother tells me not to say that because they are important to society and they carry pollen and im Disrespecting My Surroundings, And blahblahblah.
' They are crucial, and i am terribly disconnected from nature'
She also says the same thing because i strongly dislike corn and tamatoes.
Anyways i wish bees would just dissapear all together.
In fact, i was watching this show on the nasty little things and they reported that the bee population is decreasing rapidly due to some weird bee disease i guess.
I was like, YES.
I know it's kinda cruel, but i don't care.
Because it is very embaressing to have to run from a bee and have people watch you.
They say don't run, but my opinion is; you can stay right where you are and get stung while i run my ass the other way.
I hate the fact that our school mascot is a hornet, ByTheWay
The weird thing is, I have never actually been stung by a bee.
I know right, Why am i so scared if i have never actually felt it?
haha, i do not know.
I just have this feeling that something very, very bad would happen. And i think that i have this phobia to prevent me from ever geting stung by a bee because im so cautious about it.
I was watching this movie one time, called My Girl. And one of the main characters is like an 8yr. old boy.
Anywaays, he was messing around with this bee hive and a swarm of bees came after him and basically stung him to death.
I was horrified after i watched this, and i think my friend even laughed at me for crying.
It Was Awful.
Ive had this nightmare multiple times of the same thing happening to me. And another one where my dream is just black and all you can hear is the bees buzzing getting louder and louder.
Crazy, right?
So anyway, just thought i'd share that i intensely dislike bees/hornets/wasps :0

Phopia/fear of:
Englishness- Anglophobia.
Being tickled by feathers- Pteronophobia
Peanut butter sticking to the roof of mouth-Arachibutyrophobia
Fear of clouds-Nephophobia
Fear of thinking-Phronemophobia

-Some Crazy Shittt
=)

[Mood].

I hate fighting with him. It takes up all of my energy.

And ruins perfectly good days. When i think about why we fight so much, it seems useless.

And very childish.

I got up this morning feeling good. I got more than enough sleep last night, for once.

I woke up to some nice 'good morning' texts, which always make me happy.

Took a hot, hot shower because i realized it was freeeezing outside.

And ate a fulfilling breakfast, to start my day out great.

And somewhere between my big beautiful breakfast and walking out of my house, i distinctively heard 'Becky' playing and realized my phone was ringing.

I also realized i really needed to change that ring tone that ELIJAH COKER put on my phone.

Anyways, everything was good until that one call.

And then my great day was no longer. It felt like everything went downhill from there.

After that, i forgot to change into shoes so my feet wouldn't get soaked. My feet got soaked.

Then i dropped my Spanish homework in the ONE puddle that was on my street. My grade just went down.

I forgot to pick up my folder for p.e on the way out the door, because i was on the phone. I got the worst stare down ever.

I went to every class freezing my ass off, because my clothes were wet, and my hair turned frizzy.

I don't own a fucking umbrella.

Also, i already dislike Tuesdays and was pretty much trying my best to stay positive for the day.

But someone wanting to start arguing at seven in the morning doesn't exactly set the mood.

So why do it so much?

I say I'm sick of arguing, he says he's sick of arguing.

I say let's stop, he says no more.

'Last Time, Can't Do It Anymore'

Even though five minutes later...

Tatum Annotations.

(3.) Several years ago one of my students conducted a research project investigating preschoolers’ conceptions of[4] Native Americans. Using children at a local day care center as her participants, she asked these three- and four-year-olds to draw a picture of a Native American. Most children were stumped by her request. They didn’t know what a Native American was. But when she rephrased the question and asked them to draw a picture of an Indian, they readily complied. Almost every picture included one central feature: feathers. In fact, many of them also included a weapon—a knife or tomahawk—and depicted the person in violent or aggressive terms.

I annotated this paragraph a lot, just because it caught my eye more than anything else. Probably because i am Native American. I don't really call myself Indian and i thought it was interesting that that's the only way these kids can process this request. I have seen movies like Peter Pan and how they portray Indians, and then i have gone to actual ceremonies and have seen the difference. It's a big difference. I also annotated the part about how the pictures these little kids drew perceived the 'Indians' to be violent or aggressive. I think that it is sad that these kids think this way. They are only lead by media/TV shows/movies, and not real facts. It is even more sad that they are only three- and four-year-olds.

MeatDepartment

Ever since i was little, i have never been able to walk into the Meat Department in a grocery store without wanting to puke.
It's not like I'm against meat all together. I have an intense love for these bbq chicken wings from safeway. (TRY THEM!)
But other than that, i don't really eat meat.
I tried once when i was in middle school, to become a vegetarian, it did not work out. I had never realized becoming a vegetarian was so hard. I had a salad a day but i was starving! I thought it was just about not eating meat. Which is fine with me. But then there is a whole variety of foods that you cant eat when your a vegetarian. That was harder. I lasted about a week.
Maybe i will i try that again, because i do actually want to do it. Plus it will help me eat better foods, because i have a serious problem with that.
So the meat department is just disgusting to me. It's just that there is blood everywhere. Not everywhere, but everywhere you look you can see the blood peeking out behind the raw meat packages. And everytime that i would go in there, there would always be some little kid poking at the packages and watching the blood rise up. ew.
This one time a kid actually poked open the package and got blood all over his hands and the floor. I almost puked. I dont actually have a problem with blood, its just that it was that raw meat blood.
And the smell makes me nauseous. It smells like blood and death. It doesn't necessarily gross me out. More than anything, it's just a feeling i get in my stomach when im standing around while my mom picks out a 'good' chicken.
It's also always very cold. I mean i know that they have to keep the meat from going bad, but it gives me this creepy feeling.
And the fish is another thing that is absolutely disgusting, i hate fish. The smell, the taste, everything. And they have fish just sitting in that container with their heads chopped off.
The fish eyes are open and it's just..nasty.
Anyways, there is this guy at my moms work. He works in the meat department at a local safeway, and chops dead animals for a living.
And everyday when his shift ends, he clocks out, hangs up his bloody work apron, and heads across the street to Burger King to buy a Big Mac.
EVERYDAY.
You would think, after an eight-hour shift of chopping meat, you would want to eat something other than a burger.
It's crazy how i have to go look at those mindless seventeen magazines to keep me occupied, while my mom shops for a good steak, because i can't stand to be in the meat department for more than two seconds.
Yet, this man can spend a whole day looking at raw meat, smelling it, most-likely seeing it's insides, And then cleaning the animals blood off his hands afterwards.
And still crave whole burger afterward.
Once again, disgusting.
These Things Amaze Me.

TimeMachine!

blaahhh, summer. yeah, i know, it's long gone.
But i want it back! So very badly :(
I wish i could go back to the very beginning, and maybe make every moment last just a little longer.
Because it's like, you never realize when the big things are happening, until you look back on it and say,
Oh shit, that really happened, where the fuck was I?!
I think that summer09 was one of the most important summers that i've had. It was...quite an experience of the good and bad. And i miss all of it, even the bad because it helped me growww.
I feel like writing this because maybe it will help me let go, of summer, and of the person that my summer revolved around.
Or, not. Because obviously, i still haven't let this stupid thing go. And it really bothers me because I'm good at letting things go. Things are impermanent. My motto, i guess.
Anyways, i know i'll get over it. it's just a matter of time, until i get distracted with everything else i must do.
But for now it feels like it haunts me everywhere i go. Don't you hate that? when you get those stupid flashbacks that play in your brain like some fucking cheesy movie. And it feels like your stuck in every one of those monumental moments. Only you didn't know any of it would become monumental until now, of course. It's like everything around you is moving and your functioning and talking to people, but none of this is real.
All of this, the space your living in now, it's just stuck in black and white.
But in that one moment your really alive, and it's the one you WANT to live in, a thousand times over.
That moment is in high definition and the color is absolutely brilliant.
So, maybe that's why I'm not all here.
And why teachers tell my mother that they think "I'm out of it" half the time.
And why my mother thinks I'm on drugs, because i must be, right?
And why when you pass me in the hall i don't always wave, don't always notice.
Sorry, i live in my own world, i apologize in advance,
because i don't expect you to understand.
It's a phase, like i said, i'll get over it.
And i won't miss it.
or him
or any part of whatever life i thought i had,
because it was only there for a moment.