Fear.

I Like School! & my worst fear in life is becoming like my mother.
How many people can actually say that they like school. I know. But if you lived with my mother you would like school too. Because you sure as hell wouldn't want to go home. Most people go to school to see friends. I love my friends, but i mostly use school as my escape.
Im going to vent here a bit, but i feel like i can't even begin to expain this fully.
So, along with many teenagers, i don't have the best relationship with my mother, to say the least. We are absolute opposites.
But it's not new. And it's not even because i am teenager. It's been like this for as long as i can remember. We are have never been on the same page.
It's like a maze i have to get through everyday.
I usually get home around 3:30 because I'm not really allowed to do much. My mom gets off of work at 4, and works on Bay Farm. So from 3:30 to about 4:15 I get to take a breather. But around 4 i start to check around the house to see if maybe i left something out or didn't clean up, or anything i could possibly get yell at for. But it's always something new everyday, so i don't know why i try.
Anyway, when she gets home, i can usually hear her right before she walks in the door because you can always hear when someone walks down our hall. And it shouldn't happen, but when i hear her coming i feel this sense of dread. Like this 'here we go again' feeling. So I'm usually sitting at my desk, being totally studious when she walks in to at least put off a problem i know were going to have soon. We don't make eye contact, no kisses, no hugs.
I try to drag out my homework for as long as possible to avoid talking. Something Ive learned since i was about five; talking to her turns into arguing, say one wrong thing and you will regret you ever brought anything up.
So it's very sad that i actually get disappointed, when there isn't alot of homework.
It doesn't exactly work all the time though. I won't go into details of my night after night routine, but sum it all up,
It's basically 7 hours of being blamed for everything that is wrong with me. Up until the very moment i go to bed, Just Everything. And I'm not even kidding.
I'm not saying that I'm an angel, i mean i do some shit and fuck up. But I'm honestly not as bad as she tells me.
It's literally everything, clothes, hair, grades, anything you can think of. She has an anger problem and is a control-freak. If i close my room door for more than 2minutes she bangs on the door, She gets super pissed over things that don't bother normal people. I have no privacy, so i don't keep journals and i cant free write. except for this. This is why i love school. I would honestly recommend a therapist or something but we've both already tried that, so i don't know what is wrong.
She is the one that has made me immune to most feelings and so distant i cant even relate to people anymore. She has made me like her. She puts a roof over my head and feeds me, but i feel no connection to her whatsoever.
Its hard to live like this and i don't like it but, 3 MORE YEARS! I'm in the countdown.
Yes, she is the women that gave me life and i love her regardless of everything she puts me through but, I'm almost at the end of my rope.
She has complete control over me, and the only time i can escape her, is school.
With all my heart and everything i have, i cannot wait until Sept.25, 2012, the day i turn 18.
NoJoke, i am OUT.