Feeling a bit used. Feeling a bit crazy.

Lately, Ive been feeling a bit used by certain people. I don't know why I'm writing this, except for the fact i need to let it out. So, any girl that has been used by a guy definitely can relate to this. They say things to make you laugh and make you smile, but maybe they really just want one thing. And we all know what that is.
What do you mean; i like being with you,spending time, hanging out, everything about you. Oh, but i just don't want to be in a relationship with you right now. And on top of that, I'm going to ignore you for the most part at school and act like i wasn't begging you to hang out last weekend. But maybe i should know better, when we hang out, how it's always late night, how your always buzzed off of something, how it's always, "wanna go back to my place" And yeah, I'm not stupid, i REALIZE what is happening. But why do i still like you?
So, as of now, i don't know what I'm going to do with this situation. I know what i have to do, which is tell him he can go fuck himself, because hes wasting my time if he doesn't want something real. But that's definitely not what i want to do. Right now, I'm just happy it's thanksgiving break so that i can get out of Alameda and think these things over.
On another subject, I keep having these out of body experiences. Well not exactly, but i don't know what else to call it. It's really weird. Like I'll be sitting in class and I'll go to touch my hair or face, and it's like i can't feel myself touching it. I can feel a hand touching my hair, but it doesn't feel like my own hand. Or I'll be walking in the hall or somewhere and I'll just get really dizzy or i guess, lost. It will feel like I'm not walking down this hall or street. I'm just walking, but i don't realize it. Most of the time, it doesn't feel like I'm inside my head. Like I'm not even here all the way. I was just stopped typing this and randomly phased out, and i just remembered i was writing this! God, i must sound like a crazy person. That's what people look at me like when i try to explain this, like a crazy person. And now i feel crazy too. My mom thinks I'm depressed or something, but I'm not sure whats happening. But i hope it will make a good story soon. I also feel super tired all of a sudden and now have the chills. I hope these aren't like symptoms of something serious. That wouldn't be fun at all.
I got it! I feel like I'm stuck inside a painting. hmm, that's what it feels like. I think maybe Ive heard that before, but I'm not sure. huh, weird. I guess I'll try to act normal.

TEXTING =)

So, i noticed i always do my blogs on Tuesday nights.

The sooner the better i guess :]

UHM, i have no clue what to talk about. It's so cold. Like all the time now. No ew, i hate talking about the weather. Okay so...This is when i wish i had picked a solid topic to write about. But i didn't, so I'm stuck.

Anyways, i love texting. I got my first phone in like 6Th grade and i thought it was so cool, even though it was huge, and like the size of a brick. It was the shit back theen. But, i didn't even know what texting was. Then in like 7Th grade my best friend got this bright pink phone that also looked like a brick and i was suuuuuuper jealous, haha. Anyway, all of a sudden she told me she was texting her other friend. And i was like what the fuck is texting? And she told me how it works. And i totally failed at understanding how it works because i didn't get why there was three letters on one key (there were no keyboard phones). So i was like, fuck that.

When i finally came to understand that texting was a blessing, my mom had gone with the no texting plan. So for the two years i had my phone, i was deprived the luxury of texting. I texted people off of my friends phone alot though. My mom said, why can't you just pick up the phone and call your friends, if you need to talk to them. She doesn't get that when i begged her for my phone back in 6Th grade, i just wanted to say i had a cell phone . I don't actually like talking on the phone to people, because I'm awkward. But then when i discovered texting, i found out that it cuts out all the awkward silences. It's great! SO, i begged, begged, begged again. And i finally got crappy metro, so that she wouldn't have to pay extra for my awful texting.

It's like a disease, it really is. I know some people do it, but don't think it's that great. I guess for me, it's like not wanting to re live all those awkward uncomfortable situations, so i text awwwwaaay. Just to go on a rant for the hell of it, I hate when im texting someone and i write some like long intresting story about my day and all someone has to say is LOL. That mostly happens with guys though. It's like okay....i just told you important information and all you have to say is lol. It makes the whole conversation weird after that. Or when your texting someone you like or you really want to talk to, and they take a MILLION hours to respond. I text really fast and it's frustrating when the person isnt keeping pace with your texting. Or maybe they just stop responding all together. Yeah, those are the downsides of texting. OH, I also hate how i get NO reception in most parts of the school :( i know that's the last thing i should be worrying about while I'm in school, but whatever. Now, i only talk to my mom on the phone and sometimes my best friend because we basically share the same mind =)

My Escape>

I am suuuuper excited =)
I just thought of winter break and got really happy. Christmas is pretty cool and everything, but i never get what i want. My best friend is obsessed with Christmas, and was singing Christmas songs in the middle of September. I had to tell her to shut the fuck up. Anyways, that's not why I'm excited. I'm excited because every winter break me and my mom go to visit one of her old friends in some middle-of-nowhere place. I think it's way, way up north though. It's like a four hour drive up there, and even though that is four hours of nagging, it's totally worth it. It's on a reservation that is really small, It's really just two very long streets of government houses. My moms friend is David and he used to be my moms neighbor years before i was born. Then about 8 years ago he was working for terminex and got bit by a black widow spider. It paralyzed him from waist down. The thing i love about him is, I've never once heard him complain about being in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, even though i see him struggling with the simplest of things. Anyways, he lives on the very end of the second street, so it's pretty secluded. There is a huge grassy hill not more than 2 feet behind his house. And if you stand on his porch and look down, there is fields and fields of brilliantly colored grapes. Off to the side of the house there is a mini canyon type thing with a flowing river. And trees, everywhere.
But the very best thing about this wonderful place is, it's under a constant cloud of rain. Beautiful rain, not the messy Alameda rain. The kind of rain that makes the trees come alive and makes you want to roll down that grassy hill even though it's like 30 degrees outside. It makes everything smell fresh and new, like all of the scenery was newly created. And you could sit for hours watching the rain in amazement. I love when it rains. And because we go in the winter, my favorite season, it's always raining :)
When it's not raining, it's most likely cloudy. Which is cool with me too because I'm not a big fan of sunlight. The mornings are probably the best, because it's usually stopped raining for a moment. And you step outside and everything is just..indescribable. I love seeing the wild animals, like the deer and turkeys, and sounds of other wild birds/animals are pretty to listen to when your sitting there, thinking. It's the times i can remember being most relaxed in my entire life. And at night, the stars are just another thing that amazes me. Looking at the stars, which i am obsessed with doing, is nothing like looking at stars in Alameda though. Whenever i look up at nighttime, i feel like I'm being let in on a seceret that not many people know about.
Anyways, i CAN NOT wait, to get outtttta here.

Statement Of Purpose Again?

When i first heard we were going to blog, i got a bit worried. Im not used to writing down thoughts, ideas... feelings. And i also hate setting up new accounts. Why couldnt we just do normal assignments that NORMAL english classes do? But now that ive been blogging for a while ive found out, it makes me happy! I actually like this shit. It's hella exciting. haha. Most of my blogs are just really random and they change with the mood im in. And that was my goal. I pretty much just write whats on my mind at the moment i sit down to the computer. I like it that way, i don't like having to think about it before hand because i already know i'll get it done. And i like the freedom of being able to actually write whats on my mind. Im not sure if my writing has really improved any. I hope it has, but it's hard to tell. Im better at writiting in paragraphs :) Im also better at knowing when to put commas, periods, etc. And i try to break down my sentences more, so there isnt as many run-on's.

I pretty much wrote what i said i was going to write, which was nothing in particular. Except i think i had said that mabey i would write about the weather. I have changed that. I do not want to write about the weather because whenever it rains, there is ten million people blogging about the rain. It's annoying. I don't remeber what else i said, but im pretty sure it's not important because i was just trying to finish that thing. So, guess what? I don't have any goals for the second quarter. Well, except get good grades. But i mean in writing my blogs. Im just going to stick with what i have been doing and not plan ahead, because i never plan ahead ;]