WINTERBREAK!

There is less than 24 hours until winter break! Im super excited!! Alot of people that i know are going to Vegas. I don't know why. I went during the summer and it was so HOT. It was really crowded too, but allota fun.
Anyways, i just really don't want to be in school for a while. Lately everything has been feeling so redundant. It feels like the same thing everyday. I hate getting up in the morning, i hate sitting through the classes, i dislike the very fake and childish people at our school. ive been very good at staying away from the drama or whatever but now its catching up to me and i hate it. And then i go home and study, so i can do it all over again the next day. I really don't want to complain about my life, because theres plenty of wonderful people and things to be thankful for, but im just not feeling it right now. I feel like i need to sleep for a very long time.
Okay, i just needed to vent. Im done complaining now. Im not really doing much over break, hopefully relaxing a whhhhole lot. And hanging out. It sucks that alot of people are going to be gone. But i went somewhere for thanksgiving break so, i guess its kinda like a trade off. Im having huge writers block right now. crap. Uhm okay, so i thought the quick write in class today was pretty intresting. The one about electronics, not the one about cows and farm people. That was confusing. I felt like i could really relate to it because Yes, im one of those phone/ipod addicts. I think more so my Ipod than my phone because were constantly connected. I love my phone though. It does stuff that i don't even know how to use yet or havent even explored. But my Ipod is always plugged in. I need it to fall asleep. To do chores. To simply just walk. If i don't have it or forget it, which i try not to do, than i get really moody. Its a big problem with my mom because shes always saying that im so caught up in the technology, that i son't even know how to relate to people anymore. 'Like they used to in her day when they didnt have phones or ipods'. But no matter how many times she says it, im not going to just put it down and stop playing it, sorry. Thats just what people have come to these days, people are literally attached to there electronic devices. I was watching this show about a girl who got really sick whenever her mom would take her phone. Like she had a mental addiction to texting or something like that and would honestly get sick if she didnt have it on her. That is sad. I hope it doesnt ever get that bad for me, because thats just craziness!

The Bluest Eye.

So this week, we started our reading logs and the new books that we got to pick. My pick was a book called The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison. My mom bought it a long time ago telling me it was a great book and that i should read it. I never ended up reading it because if my mom thought it was great than it must be boring. So when i was told to pick any book, it was the only book on my shelf that i had not read yet. So it bothered me that i hadn't read everything on my shelf yet, and what better way to read this book, because now i HAVE to read it. But it turns out that I'm really enjoying this book. I love the way that Toni Morrison writes, everything is very detailed and she really takes you to the time or place that shes describing. The Bluest Eye is basically the story of this little girls life. Her name is Pecola and Shes about nine when the story begins. she is African American and living somewhere in the south in like the early 1900's. It goes back in forth between the author describing Pecola and this other little girl named Claudia describing the story. Claudia and her sister Freida are the ones that Pecola stays with when Pecolas dad gets Pecola pregnant. YES, her dad!
But i think that the main point of the story is Pecola trying to discover and accept herself. Growing up shes not exactly considered pretty, like most girls shes going to school with. During the holidays, her mom always gets her these dolls and they always have blue eyes. She finds herself destroying the dolls out of anger but she doesn't realize why she is so angry towards the dolls. Then a girl named Maureen comes to her school. She's white, rich, and beautiful. She doesnt get picked on and everyone seems to love her. She's everything that Pecola wants to be. And she has blue eyes.
Every night for a whole year Pecola prays to god to turn pretty. But most of all she prays to have blue eyes. Naturally, this doesn't happen.
What i love most about the story is that it has the main story which is about Pecola, but it also has all these in between things. Like little stories within the main story.
I'm about halfway through this book and i already love it, and i guess i should have listened to my mother. Sorry, for giving like half of it away though but i WOULD still recommend this book to anyone and also the author because shes such a good writer in general and has a lot of books to be read.

My wonderful thanksgiving break.

Eh, i really do not feel like writing but im going to do this anyways.
So, not too long ago, i got over the worst pain that i have ever encountered. And maybe thats a little dramatic, but it was definately top ten.It started the day we went to thanksgiving break, so tuesday. Throughout the day on tuesday, i starated having these body aches that just made life uncomfortable. Then when i got home my throat started hurting. I thought it was just a regular sore throat. Then i got the chills, which means fever usally. And that was when i realized i was sick and it was going to be hell. I didnt want to tell my mom because we were going to visit her friends for the break and all my mom ever does is yell at me for being sick, when im sick. And she had already made it clear she didnt want me ruining her vacation.
By the time i went to bed, i had taken a walk earlier and felt pretty good. Sometime during the night i woke up, and was like ohhh shitt. This is not good. My throat was KILLING me! I still didnt tell my mom and we drove up there on wedensday. I slept most of the way hoping i would wake up and feel better. It was pretty weird, I had no fever anymore, I wasnt coughing or sneezing and my nose wasnt stuffed. My head didnt hurt and neither did my stomach. But my throat felt like something was eating away at it. And the only other thing i felt was exhausted. Like sleep for 24hours, exhausted.
We were almost there and i was excited because i love the guest rooms bed, and all i could think about was sleeping. My mom decided to stop in mcdonalds because her friends house only has healthy food. I was starving. And it took all i had not to shudder each time i swallowed. I finally ended up telling my mom, and she yelled at me. To make a long story shorter, My throat progressed to the point where i couldnt bring myself to swallow anything, i didnt want water, anything at all. It was like that for thanksgiving, so i just didnt eat even though i was starving. I figured starving was better than the pain of having to swallow the food. The worst part was it wasnt just food, it was swallowing in general, which is really sucks because its almost impossible not to have to swallow sometime. At night it got worse, if thats possible, and i barely got any sleep. This was nothing like the little sore throat ive always expirinced when being sick. Except i had no other symptoms, other than wanting to rip my throat out.
On the third or fourth day i had it, whatever it was, i woke up and it had like morphed into something new. and even more painful. Now, it was one side of my throat and it was higher up, more near the back of my mouth, and it was completely swollen. Not only could i not eat but now it was nearly impossible to talk. Which i think pleased my mom, just a little.
So she finally dragged me to the hospital, and they said it was really bad but couldnt diagnose it. Then they gave me drugs. I have never been so thrilled to swallow pills, even though that hurt. Now im taking these really strong antibiotics every six hours for a while now. And my throat feels back to normal. And im still making up for all the food i missed on thanksgiving =)

Feeling a bit used. Feeling a bit crazy.

Lately, Ive been feeling a bit used by certain people. I don't know why I'm writing this, except for the fact i need to let it out. So, any girl that has been used by a guy definitely can relate to this. They say things to make you laugh and make you smile, but maybe they really just want one thing. And we all know what that is.
What do you mean; i like being with you,spending time, hanging out, everything about you. Oh, but i just don't want to be in a relationship with you right now. And on top of that, I'm going to ignore you for the most part at school and act like i wasn't begging you to hang out last weekend. But maybe i should know better, when we hang out, how it's always late night, how your always buzzed off of something, how it's always, "wanna go back to my place" And yeah, I'm not stupid, i REALIZE what is happening. But why do i still like you?
So, as of now, i don't know what I'm going to do with this situation. I know what i have to do, which is tell him he can go fuck himself, because hes wasting my time if he doesn't want something real. But that's definitely not what i want to do. Right now, I'm just happy it's thanksgiving break so that i can get out of Alameda and think these things over.
On another subject, I keep having these out of body experiences. Well not exactly, but i don't know what else to call it. It's really weird. Like I'll be sitting in class and I'll go to touch my hair or face, and it's like i can't feel myself touching it. I can feel a hand touching my hair, but it doesn't feel like my own hand. Or I'll be walking in the hall or somewhere and I'll just get really dizzy or i guess, lost. It will feel like I'm not walking down this hall or street. I'm just walking, but i don't realize it. Most of the time, it doesn't feel like I'm inside my head. Like I'm not even here all the way. I was just stopped typing this and randomly phased out, and i just remembered i was writing this! God, i must sound like a crazy person. That's what people look at me like when i try to explain this, like a crazy person. And now i feel crazy too. My mom thinks I'm depressed or something, but I'm not sure whats happening. But i hope it will make a good story soon. I also feel super tired all of a sudden and now have the chills. I hope these aren't like symptoms of something serious. That wouldn't be fun at all.
I got it! I feel like I'm stuck inside a painting. hmm, that's what it feels like. I think maybe Ive heard that before, but I'm not sure. huh, weird. I guess I'll try to act normal.

TEXTING =)

So, i noticed i always do my blogs on Tuesday nights.

The sooner the better i guess :]

UHM, i have no clue what to talk about. It's so cold. Like all the time now. No ew, i hate talking about the weather. Okay so...This is when i wish i had picked a solid topic to write about. But i didn't, so I'm stuck.

Anyways, i love texting. I got my first phone in like 6Th grade and i thought it was so cool, even though it was huge, and like the size of a brick. It was the shit back theen. But, i didn't even know what texting was. Then in like 7Th grade my best friend got this bright pink phone that also looked like a brick and i was suuuuuuper jealous, haha. Anyway, all of a sudden she told me she was texting her other friend. And i was like what the fuck is texting? And she told me how it works. And i totally failed at understanding how it works because i didn't get why there was three letters on one key (there were no keyboard phones). So i was like, fuck that.

When i finally came to understand that texting was a blessing, my mom had gone with the no texting plan. So for the two years i had my phone, i was deprived the luxury of texting. I texted people off of my friends phone alot though. My mom said, why can't you just pick up the phone and call your friends, if you need to talk to them. She doesn't get that when i begged her for my phone back in 6Th grade, i just wanted to say i had a cell phone . I don't actually like talking on the phone to people, because I'm awkward. But then when i discovered texting, i found out that it cuts out all the awkward silences. It's great! SO, i begged, begged, begged again. And i finally got crappy metro, so that she wouldn't have to pay extra for my awful texting.

It's like a disease, it really is. I know some people do it, but don't think it's that great. I guess for me, it's like not wanting to re live all those awkward uncomfortable situations, so i text awwwwaaay. Just to go on a rant for the hell of it, I hate when im texting someone and i write some like long intresting story about my day and all someone has to say is LOL. That mostly happens with guys though. It's like okay....i just told you important information and all you have to say is lol. It makes the whole conversation weird after that. Or when your texting someone you like or you really want to talk to, and they take a MILLION hours to respond. I text really fast and it's frustrating when the person isnt keeping pace with your texting. Or maybe they just stop responding all together. Yeah, those are the downsides of texting. OH, I also hate how i get NO reception in most parts of the school :( i know that's the last thing i should be worrying about while I'm in school, but whatever. Now, i only talk to my mom on the phone and sometimes my best friend because we basically share the same mind =)

My Escape>

I am suuuuper excited =)
I just thought of winter break and got really happy. Christmas is pretty cool and everything, but i never get what i want. My best friend is obsessed with Christmas, and was singing Christmas songs in the middle of September. I had to tell her to shut the fuck up. Anyways, that's not why I'm excited. I'm excited because every winter break me and my mom go to visit one of her old friends in some middle-of-nowhere place. I think it's way, way up north though. It's like a four hour drive up there, and even though that is four hours of nagging, it's totally worth it. It's on a reservation that is really small, It's really just two very long streets of government houses. My moms friend is David and he used to be my moms neighbor years before i was born. Then about 8 years ago he was working for terminex and got bit by a black widow spider. It paralyzed him from waist down. The thing i love about him is, I've never once heard him complain about being in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, even though i see him struggling with the simplest of things. Anyways, he lives on the very end of the second street, so it's pretty secluded. There is a huge grassy hill not more than 2 feet behind his house. And if you stand on his porch and look down, there is fields and fields of brilliantly colored grapes. Off to the side of the house there is a mini canyon type thing with a flowing river. And trees, everywhere.
But the very best thing about this wonderful place is, it's under a constant cloud of rain. Beautiful rain, not the messy Alameda rain. The kind of rain that makes the trees come alive and makes you want to roll down that grassy hill even though it's like 30 degrees outside. It makes everything smell fresh and new, like all of the scenery was newly created. And you could sit for hours watching the rain in amazement. I love when it rains. And because we go in the winter, my favorite season, it's always raining :)
When it's not raining, it's most likely cloudy. Which is cool with me too because I'm not a big fan of sunlight. The mornings are probably the best, because it's usually stopped raining for a moment. And you step outside and everything is just..indescribable. I love seeing the wild animals, like the deer and turkeys, and sounds of other wild birds/animals are pretty to listen to when your sitting there, thinking. It's the times i can remember being most relaxed in my entire life. And at night, the stars are just another thing that amazes me. Looking at the stars, which i am obsessed with doing, is nothing like looking at stars in Alameda though. Whenever i look up at nighttime, i feel like I'm being let in on a seceret that not many people know about.
Anyways, i CAN NOT wait, to get outtttta here.

Statement Of Purpose Again?

When i first heard we were going to blog, i got a bit worried. Im not used to writing down thoughts, ideas... feelings. And i also hate setting up new accounts. Why couldnt we just do normal assignments that NORMAL english classes do? But now that ive been blogging for a while ive found out, it makes me happy! I actually like this shit. It's hella exciting. haha. Most of my blogs are just really random and they change with the mood im in. And that was my goal. I pretty much just write whats on my mind at the moment i sit down to the computer. I like it that way, i don't like having to think about it before hand because i already know i'll get it done. And i like the freedom of being able to actually write whats on my mind. Im not sure if my writing has really improved any. I hope it has, but it's hard to tell. Im better at writiting in paragraphs :) Im also better at knowing when to put commas, periods, etc. And i try to break down my sentences more, so there isnt as many run-on's.

I pretty much wrote what i said i was going to write, which was nothing in particular. Except i think i had said that mabey i would write about the weather. I have changed that. I do not want to write about the weather because whenever it rains, there is ten million people blogging about the rain. It's annoying. I don't remeber what else i said, but im pretty sure it's not important because i was just trying to finish that thing. So, guess what? I don't have any goals for the second quarter. Well, except get good grades. But i mean in writing my blogs. Im just going to stick with what i have been doing and not plan ahead, because i never plan ahead ;]

time is moving too fast!
i have a million and one things to do, and no time to do it. At this time im typing with one hand because im trying to eat my dinner also. Which by the way is an ice cream sandwich. yes, dinner. It is very yummy though.
I just came from my math class where i had other assignment to do, which cut back my time on doing this. Anyways after this i have to go edit my sohmore research paper which is just ughhhh. It's like 6 pages! I don't get the whole footnote thing. It's worth most of my grade and i have only like 45min to do it. After that i have to go back to the school to do the hair&makeup for the cast of Dark Of The Moon. Somehow i have to fit in my spanish assignment, which is to make this crafty little thing. Im not good at crafty things. And thats my lowest grade. Then when i get back home im probably going to spend the rest of the night studying my ass off for my huge geometry test. It's not that huge i just need a extremely good grade.
And thats just tonight. I think i underestimate how long things take too much. Im glad we have no schhol on friday, but that means less time to do everything, and it also means less points because we wont have any assignments that day. And i really need the points before this quarter ends.
i miss doing the things i love. I never have anytime to read anymore unless it's a textbook. Reading is my passion, i absolutely love it. I have a trillllllion book in my room But whenever i pick one up and start to read it's always like i should be doing something else. I miss just relaxing and maybe taking walks. I don't hate the homework or think it's unfair really, but it gets too be alot sometimes.

Im constantly rushing. Right now im typing this thing super fast to get onto the next thing, so sorry if it has little errors. It's like if i slow down for a second, im going to just pass out right here because im soooo tired right now. my eyelids feel like jello. Lately ive been going to bed around 12, which is late for me because im such a leightweight and am used to getting tired around 8:30. ha. Then im waking up around 6. Plus i already have sleeping problems which is just a bad combination of things. So im usally out of it in first period. On top of this i have my mother screaming in the backround right now. She's s so pissed that i have so much stuff to do. that I have to do. She thinks i put off some things. But i didnt. i keep trying to tell her this is really all the things i have to do tonight.
So anyway im not sure if this is long enough. And i cant afford to lose credit..... soooooooo,
uhm my sophmore resarch paper is on child prostitution in three countries. Japan, India,and Nepal. The statistics are crazzzzy! it's ridiculous how much People in other countries take advantages of 9 and 10 year olds. And that is the average age for prostitution in these countries. I actually like this assignment because its good to know whats going on in countries beside the US. the thing i hate most is all the requirements we have to meet, like font, size, margins, footnotes, bibliography,,,lalalalalalala
just some information.
So hopefully this is long enough because i have 6 pgs. to edit, and a bibliography to type, yay! =(
byyye.

OH, and...

The last blog i just did, was not put together right, because i dint get your comment until after i posted it, so sorry.

Fear.

I Like School! & my worst fear in life is becoming like my mother.
How many people can actually say that they like school. I know. But if you lived with my mother you would like school too. Because you sure as hell wouldn't want to go home. Most people go to school to see friends. I love my friends, but i mostly use school as my escape.
Im going to vent here a bit, but i feel like i can't even begin to expain this fully.
So, along with many teenagers, i don't have the best relationship with my mother, to say the least. We are absolute opposites.
But it's not new. And it's not even because i am teenager. It's been like this for as long as i can remember. We are have never been on the same page.
It's like a maze i have to get through everyday.
I usually get home around 3:30 because I'm not really allowed to do much. My mom gets off of work at 4, and works on Bay Farm. So from 3:30 to about 4:15 I get to take a breather. But around 4 i start to check around the house to see if maybe i left something out or didn't clean up, or anything i could possibly get yell at for. But it's always something new everyday, so i don't know why i try.
Anyway, when she gets home, i can usually hear her right before she walks in the door because you can always hear when someone walks down our hall. And it shouldn't happen, but when i hear her coming i feel this sense of dread. Like this 'here we go again' feeling. So I'm usually sitting at my desk, being totally studious when she walks in to at least put off a problem i know were going to have soon. We don't make eye contact, no kisses, no hugs.
I try to drag out my homework for as long as possible to avoid talking. Something Ive learned since i was about five; talking to her turns into arguing, say one wrong thing and you will regret you ever brought anything up.
So it's very sad that i actually get disappointed, when there isn't alot of homework.
It doesn't exactly work all the time though. I won't go into details of my night after night routine, but sum it all up,
It's basically 7 hours of being blamed for everything that is wrong with me. Up until the very moment i go to bed, Just Everything. And I'm not even kidding.
I'm not saying that I'm an angel, i mean i do some shit and fuck up. But I'm honestly not as bad as she tells me.
It's literally everything, clothes, hair, grades, anything you can think of. She has an anger problem and is a control-freak. If i close my room door for more than 2minutes she bangs on the door, She gets super pissed over things that don't bother normal people. I have no privacy, so i don't keep journals and i cant free write. except for this. This is why i love school. I would honestly recommend a therapist or something but we've both already tried that, so i don't know what is wrong.
She is the one that has made me immune to most feelings and so distant i cant even relate to people anymore. She has made me like her. She puts a roof over my head and feeds me, but i feel no connection to her whatsoever.
Its hard to live like this and i don't like it but, 3 MORE YEARS! I'm in the countdown.
Yes, she is the women that gave me life and i love her regardless of everything she puts me through but, I'm almost at the end of my rope.
She has complete control over me, and the only time i can escape her, is school.
With all my heart and everything i have, i cannot wait until Sept.25, 2012, the day i turn 18.
NoJoke, i am OUT.

Disrespecting My Surroundings.

A phobia is a strong fear or dislike: an irrational or very powerful fear and dislike of something.
I have a terrible phobia of bees and it's called:
Apiphobia or Melissophobia.
I hate bees/wasps.
My mother tells me not to say that because they are important to society and they carry pollen and im Disrespecting My Surroundings, And blahblahblah.
' They are crucial, and i am terribly disconnected from nature'
She also says the same thing because i strongly dislike corn and tamatoes.
Anyways i wish bees would just dissapear all together.
In fact, i was watching this show on the nasty little things and they reported that the bee population is decreasing rapidly due to some weird bee disease i guess.
I was like, YES.
I know it's kinda cruel, but i don't care.
Because it is very embaressing to have to run from a bee and have people watch you.
They say don't run, but my opinion is; you can stay right where you are and get stung while i run my ass the other way.
I hate the fact that our school mascot is a hornet, ByTheWay
The weird thing is, I have never actually been stung by a bee.
I know right, Why am i so scared if i have never actually felt it?
haha, i do not know.
I just have this feeling that something very, very bad would happen. And i think that i have this phobia to prevent me from ever geting stung by a bee because im so cautious about it.
I was watching this movie one time, called My Girl. And one of the main characters is like an 8yr. old boy.
Anywaays, he was messing around with this bee hive and a swarm of bees came after him and basically stung him to death.
I was horrified after i watched this, and i think my friend even laughed at me for crying.
It Was Awful.
Ive had this nightmare multiple times of the same thing happening to me. And another one where my dream is just black and all you can hear is the bees buzzing getting louder and louder.
Crazy, right?
So anyway, just thought i'd share that i intensely dislike bees/hornets/wasps :0

Phopia/fear of:
Englishness- Anglophobia.
Being tickled by feathers- Pteronophobia
Peanut butter sticking to the roof of mouth-Arachibutyrophobia
Fear of clouds-Nephophobia
Fear of thinking-Phronemophobia

-Some Crazy Shittt
=)

[Mood].

I hate fighting with him. It takes up all of my energy.

And ruins perfectly good days. When i think about why we fight so much, it seems useless.

And very childish.

I got up this morning feeling good. I got more than enough sleep last night, for once.

I woke up to some nice 'good morning' texts, which always make me happy.

Took a hot, hot shower because i realized it was freeeezing outside.

And ate a fulfilling breakfast, to start my day out great.

And somewhere between my big beautiful breakfast and walking out of my house, i distinctively heard 'Becky' playing and realized my phone was ringing.

I also realized i really needed to change that ring tone that ELIJAH COKER put on my phone.

Anyways, everything was good until that one call.

And then my great day was no longer. It felt like everything went downhill from there.

After that, i forgot to change into shoes so my feet wouldn't get soaked. My feet got soaked.

Then i dropped my Spanish homework in the ONE puddle that was on my street. My grade just went down.

I forgot to pick up my folder for p.e on the way out the door, because i was on the phone. I got the worst stare down ever.

I went to every class freezing my ass off, because my clothes were wet, and my hair turned frizzy.

I don't own a fucking umbrella.

Also, i already dislike Tuesdays and was pretty much trying my best to stay positive for the day.

But someone wanting to start arguing at seven in the morning doesn't exactly set the mood.

So why do it so much?

I say I'm sick of arguing, he says he's sick of arguing.

I say let's stop, he says no more.

'Last Time, Can't Do It Anymore'

Even though five minutes later...

Tatum Annotations.

(3.) Several years ago one of my students conducted a research project investigating preschoolers’ conceptions of[4] Native Americans. Using children at a local day care center as her participants, she asked these three- and four-year-olds to draw a picture of a Native American. Most children were stumped by her request. They didn’t know what a Native American was. But when she rephrased the question and asked them to draw a picture of an Indian, they readily complied. Almost every picture included one central feature: feathers. In fact, many of them also included a weapon—a knife or tomahawk—and depicted the person in violent or aggressive terms.

I annotated this paragraph a lot, just because it caught my eye more than anything else. Probably because i am Native American. I don't really call myself Indian and i thought it was interesting that that's the only way these kids can process this request. I have seen movies like Peter Pan and how they portray Indians, and then i have gone to actual ceremonies and have seen the difference. It's a big difference. I also annotated the part about how the pictures these little kids drew perceived the 'Indians' to be violent or aggressive. I think that it is sad that these kids think this way. They are only lead by media/TV shows/movies, and not real facts. It is even more sad that they are only three- and four-year-olds.

MeatDepartment

Ever since i was little, i have never been able to walk into the Meat Department in a grocery store without wanting to puke.
It's not like I'm against meat all together. I have an intense love for these bbq chicken wings from safeway. (TRY THEM!)
But other than that, i don't really eat meat.
I tried once when i was in middle school, to become a vegetarian, it did not work out. I had never realized becoming a vegetarian was so hard. I had a salad a day but i was starving! I thought it was just about not eating meat. Which is fine with me. But then there is a whole variety of foods that you cant eat when your a vegetarian. That was harder. I lasted about a week.
Maybe i will i try that again, because i do actually want to do it. Plus it will help me eat better foods, because i have a serious problem with that.
So the meat department is just disgusting to me. It's just that there is blood everywhere. Not everywhere, but everywhere you look you can see the blood peeking out behind the raw meat packages. And everytime that i would go in there, there would always be some little kid poking at the packages and watching the blood rise up. ew.
This one time a kid actually poked open the package and got blood all over his hands and the floor. I almost puked. I dont actually have a problem with blood, its just that it was that raw meat blood.
And the smell makes me nauseous. It smells like blood and death. It doesn't necessarily gross me out. More than anything, it's just a feeling i get in my stomach when im standing around while my mom picks out a 'good' chicken.
It's also always very cold. I mean i know that they have to keep the meat from going bad, but it gives me this creepy feeling.
And the fish is another thing that is absolutely disgusting, i hate fish. The smell, the taste, everything. And they have fish just sitting in that container with their heads chopped off.
The fish eyes are open and it's just..nasty.
Anyways, there is this guy at my moms work. He works in the meat department at a local safeway, and chops dead animals for a living.
And everyday when his shift ends, he clocks out, hangs up his bloody work apron, and heads across the street to Burger King to buy a Big Mac.
EVERYDAY.
You would think, after an eight-hour shift of chopping meat, you would want to eat something other than a burger.
It's crazy how i have to go look at those mindless seventeen magazines to keep me occupied, while my mom shops for a good steak, because i can't stand to be in the meat department for more than two seconds.
Yet, this man can spend a whole day looking at raw meat, smelling it, most-likely seeing it's insides, And then cleaning the animals blood off his hands afterwards.
And still crave whole burger afterward.
Once again, disgusting.
These Things Amaze Me.

TimeMachine!

blaahhh, summer. yeah, i know, it's long gone.
But i want it back! So very badly :(
I wish i could go back to the very beginning, and maybe make every moment last just a little longer.
Because it's like, you never realize when the big things are happening, until you look back on it and say,
Oh shit, that really happened, where the fuck was I?!
I think that summer09 was one of the most important summers that i've had. It was...quite an experience of the good and bad. And i miss all of it, even the bad because it helped me growww.
I feel like writing this because maybe it will help me let go, of summer, and of the person that my summer revolved around.
Or, not. Because obviously, i still haven't let this stupid thing go. And it really bothers me because I'm good at letting things go. Things are impermanent. My motto, i guess.
Anyways, i know i'll get over it. it's just a matter of time, until i get distracted with everything else i must do.
But for now it feels like it haunts me everywhere i go. Don't you hate that? when you get those stupid flashbacks that play in your brain like some fucking cheesy movie. And it feels like your stuck in every one of those monumental moments. Only you didn't know any of it would become monumental until now, of course. It's like everything around you is moving and your functioning and talking to people, but none of this is real.
All of this, the space your living in now, it's just stuck in black and white.
But in that one moment your really alive, and it's the one you WANT to live in, a thousand times over.
That moment is in high definition and the color is absolutely brilliant.
So, maybe that's why I'm not all here.
And why teachers tell my mother that they think "I'm out of it" half the time.
And why my mother thinks I'm on drugs, because i must be, right?
And why when you pass me in the hall i don't always wave, don't always notice.
Sorry, i live in my own world, i apologize in advance,
because i don't expect you to understand.
It's a phase, like i said, i'll get over it.
And i won't miss it.
or him
or any part of whatever life i thought i had,
because it was only there for a moment.

DOMONIC ARMAS =) &david cabrera?

SO, basically im writing this blog about Domonic and David because they are over at my house and they're...pretty intresting to say the least. I met domonic in like 8th grade and david in 7th. I lovvvve domonic because he's exactly like a teddy bear, and well david,... is just david and we fight alot. Let's see, what can i write about these two?? Well, whenever im with them it's always an adventure and i always end up in some random persons house! But it's cool. we have mucho fun. Domonic is the person i can tell my secrets too, and david is the person i want to slap alot. haha, just kidding, i love him too, i guess. So, one day we were walking through this big tunnel type thing in this park in oakland. And it was sooooo dark and scary! and it was pretty long. I couldnt see a thing so i was holding both thier arms. We got to the middle and found that there was water running through it the rest of the way out! i wanted to turn back, but they wanted to keep going. Cause you know, thier big men and all. haha.
So i did not want to walk back alone! noway! So we had to walk on the very edges of the tunnel and were using our phones to kinda see. The water was in the middle, but it was getting wider and wider and eventully we ended up walking in it! We could see the light now though. Of course i picked the wrong freekin day to wear flip flops, i should have known, ecspecially if im with these two. So the current in the water got stronger and my sandal came off, and it was still pretty dark and i was searching around for it. I finally found it and was going to put it on when i slipped. I was holding on to Dom, and we both fell completely in the water! it was so nasty! so my pants and shirt were soaked for the rest of the day and im never going there again. But it was a fun story =)

=(sadd storyy.

Don't cry, Don't cry, i kept chanting to my self as i watched my mother break down. I had to be her rock, i had to be the strong one this time. My mom is very...strong, in the cold kind of way, i guess you could say. Even so, it was especially hard not to break into tears just from watching her. We were at the Alameda pet hospital, watching the veterinarian basically kill our cat. Our cat's name was Nordstrom and he was around twenty years old, which is like ninety years old in human years. My mom got him when she was in college and her boyfriend at the time named him. He said he was watching a Nordstroms department store commercial right before she came home with the kitten. That was before i was born. Ive never tried to hold anything too close or get attached but Nordstrom has literally been around my whole life, so he was like a child. About a year ago, we noticed him getting super skinny, but my mom just tried to feed him even more. I knew the truth, he was extremely old and had already out-lived all of his siblings, he was dying already. It sounds morbid but i'm able to accept things like death, Ive had my deal of experiences. But i didn't want to mention this to my mother.

We watched his progress and watched him get weaker and weaker. And then this summer we took a trip to Las Vegas. It was about a week trip. When we got back, it seemed he had taken a turn for the worse. His pupils had dilated and he had slower responses, but he could still respond and i had a feeling he could still see us, if only a little. It got worse, of course. He slept more and more, and stopped meowing all together. Then it was like it all happened overnight. One day i came home, and took one look at the cat and knew he was going to die. His pupils had gotten so big that there was no more green in his eyes. They were just big black holes. I waved my hand right before his eyes, and got no response at all. He was completely blind now, and ran right into everything. It was terrible to watch. And he had no strength anymore, he looked so small and old. He didn't even recognize our voices anymore. I pretty much accepted it for what it was, death, and you could smell it in the air. But my mom took it the hardest, she couldn't sleep and cryed alot. So, after a week, she said she couldn't see him in pain. She wanted go get him put asleep. I wanted him to have a natural death, and die at his home, with us. But i don't think my mom would have been able to cope with that. So, we went. As i watched Nordstroms final breathes, i let a few tears slide, then wiped them away. And i went and comforted my mother. It was one of those moments, where i felt close to her. Then it was gone as quickly as it came, and we went home to our, now very quiet, house.

statement of purpose.

So, im not very good at getting my thoughts into words, because i rarely ever say what im thinking. But i think that this blog is going to be good practice. I'd like to write about music or something that is close to me. But i figure that music is to complex to really speak on. I really would like to choose a solid topic to write about but im to indecisive, so im probably going to just write whatever is gong through my head at the moment. Maybe something like our bi-plar weather, or the books that im constantly reading, or the personal expieriences i've encountered.

I also want to improve my writing. Like not babbling on and on about something off subject, because i tend to do that alot, stay on topic! I want to see the posotive side of a subject, because im always pointing out negatives. Also, like i said, i need to improve on writing(typing) down my thoughts clearly, so that people who don't live in Tara's world can comprehend my point. I want to think and write my thoughts all the way through.