blaahhh, summer. yeah, i know, it's long gone.
But i want it back! So very badly :(
I wish i could go back to the very beginning, and maybe make every moment last just a little longer.
Because it's like, you never realize when the big things are happening, until you look back on it and say,
Oh shit, that really happened, where the fuck was I?!
I think that summer09 was one of the most important summers that i've had. It was...quite an experience of the good and bad. And i miss all of it, even the bad because it helped me growww.
I feel like writing this because maybe it will help me let go, of summer, and of the person that my summer revolved around.
Or, not. Because obviously, i still haven't let this stupid thing go. And it really bothers me because I'm good at letting things go. Things are impermanent. My motto, i guess.
Anyways, i know i'll get over it. it's just a matter of time, until i get distracted with everything else i must do.
But for now it feels like it haunts me everywhere i go. Don't you hate that? when you get those stupid flashbacks that play in your brain like some fucking cheesy movie. And it feels like your stuck in every one of those monumental moments. Only you didn't know any of it would become monumental until now, of course. It's like everything around you is moving and your functioning and talking to people, but none of this is real.
All of this, the space your living in now, it's just stuck in black and white.
But in that one moment your really alive, and it's the one you WANT to live in, a thousand times over.
That moment is in high definition and the color is absolutely brilliant.
So, maybe that's why I'm not all here.
And why teachers tell my mother that they think "I'm out of it" half the time.
And why my mother thinks I'm on drugs, because i must be, right?
And why when you pass me in the hall i don't always wave, don't always notice.
Sorry, i live in my own world, i apologize in advance,
because i don't expect you to understand.
It's a phase, like i said, i'll get over it.
And i won't miss it.
or him
or any part of whatever life i thought i had,
because it was only there for a moment.
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"It's like everything around you is moving and your functioning and talking to people, but none of this is real.
ReplyDeleteAll of this, the space your living in now, it's just stuck in black and white.
But in that one moment your really alive, and it's the one you WANT to live in, a thousand times over."
Life as a process of waking up to a present-moment reality that is thousands of times more brilliant than the distracted, unreal, "black and white" pseudo-dream state we usually mistake for reality? Just so you know, you're in good company. Have you been hanging out with Buddhists recently?
Way to unload, Tara. Writing's good for that.