CRISIS OF FAITH.

I've always been a realist. Ever since i can remember, i've never believed in something i couldn't see with my own two eyes. A couple times I've pretended to be excited about Santa Clause or surprised to find a couple dollars under my pillow after Ive lost a tooth. But I've never truly believed in any of these things. The hardest thing I've tried to believe, is the existence of a higher power, like God. Growing up, my Mom was really into taking me to Native events. Because my Father was Native American she felt it was important for me to be exposed to the native way of life or whatever. Native ceremonies and practices are probably one of the most spiritual cultures so ive always been surrounded by stories of who created the world, all this mother earth, father sky crap. Who we should be giving thanks to, who we should pray for. To be honest i found it all very boring. I could never help but think, Who are we praying for? Why can't I see him? I don't want to talkl to him if i can't see him, that's weird. My family is not exactly religious, we've never been to church and we aren't strict about praying before dinner or anything like that. But for the most part, they do believe in a God that exists. Which is sometimes hard for me, because i don't really believe in God. At all. And we never talk about it.

Like I said iv'e never truely believed in any kind of higher power, but i always prayed and gave thanks anyways to make everyone else happy. I guess my biggest crisis of faith came when i was six and my Father was murdered. When i was six nothing was more important than my pokemon cards, and my Daddy was my world. I didnt exactly question things then, except at the occasional Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners. But when my Dad died, i questioned everything i had ever heard. It was all pretty confusing. Because my Father knew alot of people there were probably about 3 or 4 memorials and services, And of course i had to attend each one. I noticed that everyone was saying similar things. Mostly praying, but saying things like he was in a better place confused me. How did these people know he was in a better place? And then i realized that they couldnt know that for sure. They hadnt experienced that, so i listened to other things they were saying and praying about. And i started to feel like all they were saying was just a bunch of bullshit trying to make themselves feel better about everything. But i knew where he was. He was in the ground where they had put him last, just drained of life, thats it. There was no spirit of him floating around somewhere, there was no God.
What was so good about God anyway? Why did people believe in him? I was told that he answered your prayers, keeps away evil and ends suffering. Where was he now, everyones crying, and my Moms' suffering, He's nowhere to be seen. And if he was so good why did he let my dad die?

I was always the kid who tried to convince you that God didn't exist. I would argue for hours if you disagreed with me. I remember thinking to myself, these people are so stupid to believe in something so obviously unreal. I really didnt know how to see things from a different point of view, I mean I wasnt even ten yet. Now that ive matured, obviously i have respect for other peoples faiths and religion. I don't think it's stupid to have strong faith anymore because ive heard some hard life stories about people who found there god and turned there life around, just like that. That doesnt mean i would ever commit to something like that though. Maybe in a way ive always wanted a faith. Sometimes i look back on ancient cultures like the Aztecs or Egyptians, like way back. Most of there everyday lives were spent praying and in religous ceremonies. There whole lives revolved around there god, and they made it there number one priority. They did things like human sacrafices and that was how strong there faith was. They built temples and preserved there dead, all in the name of whoever their god was. Maybe something solid like that in life would be good for me.
I think ive always been a little bitter about it though. I can't force myself to believe it, so i cant help but snicker when i hear things like 'Jesus can turn your life around.' It's not me being ignorant, i actually admire people who can really commit there lives to god. Because i dont have faith like that. I never have, and i dont know if i ever will.